7 QT: Funny stories from a not-very-funny time

Linking up with Jen for 7 Quick Takes today!

Felix, our new baby, will be four weeks old tomorrow!  And I'm recovering from both his birth and the endometritis and septic shock that landed me in the ICU for 5 days and a medical floor of the hospital for another five.  My time in the ICU wasn't funny in itself, and many unfunny things happened, but I discovered that I'm blessed with a sense of humor that doesn't plummet in direct proportion to my blood pressure.

1.

 

The anesthesiologist who (with the other people who suddenly flooded into my room -- "They called a code on you," said my friend who's an ER nurse) came in to my room in the childbirth center to administer the life-saving vasopressins was a large, loose-limbed, jolly sort who thought conversation would do me good.  "Is this your first baby?" he asked.

 

"No, it's my fifth."

 

"Oh!  Good for you!  I have four."

 

Having just given birth to a TEN pound baby (plus one ounce), I felt justified in saying, "I bet you didn't push any of them out."

 

"Haha! Did you hear that?" he said to the others working on me, "She put me in my place!"

 

 

2.

 

The same doctor came to see me the day before I went home, when I was out of the ICU and on a medical floor.  "Your color looks a lot better than when I saw you last!" he said. 

 

 

3.

 

Less than 48 hours after I gave birth, the team of docs working on my case decided I needed an abdominal x-ray to see... whatever they would see with an abdominal x-ray.  The technician brought the machine into my room in the ICU and said, "Any chance of pregnancy?" Ha!  I guess you didn't look at my chart?  "No chance."

 

 

4.

 

The nurse I had for most of my days in the ICU (she was an excellent nurse) called me "girlie." Since she was probably at least a decade younger than me, and since I'm a wife and mom of five, this struck me as funny.  Michael, too -- "She calls you girlie!" he said with some glee.  He went home and told the kids, who thought it was hilarious.

 

 

5.

 

One of the treatments for septic shock is lots of IV fluids.  They gave me 7 liters in under 2 hours.  Luckily I realized I was swelling up and we got my wedding band off before I swelled so much it cut off my circulation in that finger.  The docs would come in and ask me how I was feeling, and as I look back I realize they were probably asking about pain or light-headedness or you know, anything relating to the condition that landed me in the ICU.  My answer?  "I feel like an overstuffed sausage," or, "I feel like an over full balloon." Then I'd hold up my swollen hand -- exhibit A. Thinking back, it's no wonder that response got some blank looks.    

 

 

6.

 

FAQ from the ICU staff:  Have you moved your bowels? And:  Is this your first baby?  When I answered the second one, "No, this is my fifth," the next question was invariably, "FIVE kids!  Are you going to have more?!" 

 

Under normal circumstances I don't love that question.  I don't love it immediately postpartum, either, because I HAVE A NEWBORN!  Can I be exempt from that question at least until this baby is eating solid foods?  So postpartum when I'm in the ICU, hooked to more machines than I have in my kitchen and unable to even sit up by my own volition?  I kind of wanted to say, "Does it LOOK like I'll be having more?" or possibly, "I'm just hoping to get out of here alive and with all my organs."

 

But I decided that I didn't have the inclination or energy to teach manners at that point, so I said, "Not today." Which most people thought was very amusing. 

 

7.

 

After 5 days in the ICU I was feeling a bit better and could actually walk short distances.  I was starting to do things like check email on my Surface and read on my Kindle.  One evening I remembered the Colorectal Surgeon Song (possibly because of the first FAQ listed in QT#6) and looked it up on YouTube. Then I tried to show it to my nurse, but it was b u f f e r i n g forever, so she said she'd watch it on her phone.  She came back laughing about it.  It was just after that when they told me I would be put in a room on the medical floor that evening.  Apparently when you start sharing spoof songs with nurses in the ICU they figure you're well enough to get out of there...